Feed the Need

Claire's still taking down bottles like a champ, many of them 4oz at a time. It's quite exciting and fascinating to watch given that she used to complain all the way through just an ounce of milk from a bottle. However, there is a price to pay on my side in that, now that she's fully on medium-sized nipples and being fed as if she's drinking from a beer bong, she doesn't exactly want to work for her food ... meaning she doesn't always have patience to feed from the boob. Instead of needing to pump enough to get her through the day while I'm at work, I now have to pump enough to also get through her feedings until she goes to sleep ... and, in the case of this morning, one for her dawn feeding as well. That's a lotta milk!

I'm angry with myself that the weekend she increased her feedings was also the weekend that I decided to act the martyr and pump during the day instead of feeding on need. I did a great job pumping my normal amount, but it's not enough to satiate the new milk monster that has emerged. What if I could have provided if I had just breastfed her and poo-pooed what other people were requesting?

Breastfeeding is such an emotional thing for me. I love it. For one thing, it's the one thing that I can do for my baby that no one else can provide; it makes me special. Plus, there's this incredible bonding when she's feeding where I can just watch her and I feel so at peace. Not to mention that it makes me feel like a hero ... able to give life! It's an extension of the feelings I had when I was pregnant and carrying this little baby around in my body keeping her safe. And I'm not ready for it to be over!

My biggest fear right now is that I'm not able to pump enough for her to feed throughout the day and that I won't make it to 6 months. Logically, I know that supplementing with formula isn't a bad thing and that any breastmilk is better than none, but I can't help but feel like I'm letting her down if I give up.

Why does it seem like I'm always writing about breast feeding?

Here We Go Again!

I think Claire has hit her 3-month growth spurt. Last week, she started wanted to nurse a lot more often (thus increasing my milk supply) so I knew something was up. This week, she has started eating much larger bottles (more than 4 ounces) and is having these crazy outbursts where she goes from happy to VERY, VERY unhappy for no reason. I'm hoping that this growth spurt plumps her up again and doesn't stretch her out too much because she's starting to lose her cheeks! What makes it even more interesting this time is that she's found her voice, which means that the crying is much louder than the last time we went through this.

This, too, shall pass. :)

Sleeping-wise, we've started a true bedtime ritual (bath, book, boob), and she's doing a great job going to sleep between 8 and 9 and waking up between 6 and 7. The nighttime feedings have been variable, but I think it's part of the growth spurt. With her eating more now, I'm guessing that she'll tank up during the day and wake less at night to feed. We shall see!

Happy Mother's Day!

My first Mother's Day! After getting my and James' mom better gifts this year now that I realize how much they did (and are still doing) for us, the next thing on my list of to-dos on my first Mother's Day is to apologize to all of the other mothers out there and pretty much say "I take it back!" Not Claire, of course, but all of the judgements and supposed decisions that I made before I had a child. I can honestly say, you can't really imagine what it's like until it happens to you. I take back thinking I would never want sleep in the same bed as my baby. I take back believing I'd never use a pacifier as a mute button. I take back planning on letting her cry it out at 3 months of age. I take it all back! With all my plans shot, you'd think I'd be disappointed, but I'm not ... and it's so, so, so much better than I ever could have imagined.

My mom shared these quotes with me today, and they definitely resonate with what I'm feeling:

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
-- Erma Bombeck (1927-1996), American newspaper columnist and author.

When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. You are connected to your child.... A mother always has to think twice: once of herself and once for her child.
-- Sophia Loren (1934- ), Italian motion-picture actor.

I also got this poem from Renee's blog and think it captures a lot of what I've discovered just in the last three months.

Before I was a Mom
I slept as late as I wanted and never worried about how late I got into bed.
I brushed my hair and my teeth everyday.

Before I was a Mom
I cleaned my house each day.
I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on. Spit on.
Chewed on
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.
I slept all night..

Before I was a Mom
I never held down a screaming child so that doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put it down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Mom.

Thank you, moms, for everything you do.