T-minus-28 ... the countdown begins. 4 weeks from today, my 12-week maternity leave will be over, and I return to work. Eek!
Not working these past 8 weeks has been a very interesting experience for me. One of the biggest things is that I've come to realize how important it is for me to have a name to call my own. I need an identity -- whether I create it or it's assigned to me -- which somehow in turn gives me purpose and drive.
Before Feb 6, 2008, I was a full-time IT professional and wife easily balancing my personal life with professional duties, social activities, and household chores; I was independent, easy-going, and flexible in pretty much all aspects. After Claire arrived, I became a full-time Mom and wife balancing my personal life with household chores which keep me busy enough that I don't worry too much about the professional duties or have time for social activities. I'm hoping that I'll still be independent, easy-going, and flexible but realize that it may not be so with thing concerning this new life that is dependent on me.
Then, when our parents are here, I suddenly become a full-time bump-on-a-log with intermittent breaks to be a boob ... and when I feel like I have very little identity at all. While I should be relieved that I have people who want to cook, clean, and watch the baby for me, I wonder "if everyone is doing everything for me that's part of my 'role', what am I to do? ... Who am I now?". Looking back, I probably should have spent that time finding a hobby or something. :P It was just a foreign mixture of feelings that left me in a lot of turmoil.
Part of it, too, is just plain jealousy or selfishness. I feel like I want to make the most of every moment with Claire before my time is up; these moments are so short, and I already feel enough guilt about going back to work. I want her to remember these moments -- even though she won't --so that she knows I don't love her any less, and I want her to love me before she has a chance to love our parents who will be taking care of her the next 3 months.
There, I said it ... what if Claire ends up loving our parents more than she loves us? By going back to work, will I truly become just a milk factory that comes home to feed, bathe, and put her to bed? Will she forget me and save her smiles for the people that will be with her most of her waking hours? Will I feel terrible for missing her "firsts" or will my experiencing it for the first time be enough to fulfill me?
I'm sure this is the guilt that every new mom goes through if she plans to return to work. I remember seeing an Oprah once where stay-at-home moms battled it out with working moms. A SAH-mom dared to say that she loved her children more than the W-mom did because she gave up her much-loved career for her family (the gall!) while the W-mom said that she had the guts to continue working so that her kids can have different opportunities and also so that she could have something for herself. Her whole family discovered that she was a better mom by working than trying to be something she's not. Most interesting was that both agreed the best-case scenario for both would be some type of part-time position either working from home or not.
It sounds silly, but I've never considered not working. Some people go through life knowing that they will be a Mom regardless of their career. Growing up, my mom worked because she had to and then because she wanted to. I saw that it was something she enjoyed, and my current job is something I enjoy as well. But now that I see how much Claire grows and changes every day, it tears at me to know that she'll continue down that growth and change whether I'm here or not. At least I know that she's in good hands with our parents, even though it will definitely be a "SERENITY NOW!" experience for me to have them live with us for the next 3 months.
So, 4 week countdown until I get to reinvent myself once again, and I have a feeling it will be rocky so beware. Full-time wife, mother, IT manager ... hoping to successfully balance professional duties, social activities, household chores ... needing to learn to carve out "Way-Way" time ... trying to still be independent, easy-going, and flexible ... knowing when and how to ask for help. I'll be a b****, a lover; a child, a mother; a sinner, a saint ... (you know the words) ... but I wouldn't want it any other way.
Not working these past 8 weeks has been a very interesting experience for me. One of the biggest things is that I've come to realize how important it is for me to have a name to call my own. I need an identity -- whether I create it or it's assigned to me -- which somehow in turn gives me purpose and drive.
Before Feb 6, 2008, I was a full-time IT professional and wife easily balancing my personal life with professional duties, social activities, and household chores; I was independent, easy-going, and flexible in pretty much all aspects. After Claire arrived, I became a full-time Mom and wife balancing my personal life with household chores which keep me busy enough that I don't worry too much about the professional duties or have time for social activities. I'm hoping that I'll still be independent, easy-going, and flexible but realize that it may not be so with thing concerning this new life that is dependent on me.
Then, when our parents are here, I suddenly become a full-time bump-on-a-log with intermittent breaks to be a boob ... and when I feel like I have very little identity at all. While I should be relieved that I have people who want to cook, clean, and watch the baby for me, I wonder "if everyone is doing everything for me that's part of my 'role', what am I to do? ... Who am I now?". Looking back, I probably should have spent that time finding a hobby or something. :P It was just a foreign mixture of feelings that left me in a lot of turmoil.
Part of it, too, is just plain jealousy or selfishness. I feel like I want to make the most of every moment with Claire before my time is up; these moments are so short, and I already feel enough guilt about going back to work. I want her to remember these moments -- even though she won't --so that she knows I don't love her any less, and I want her to love me before she has a chance to love our parents who will be taking care of her the next 3 months.
There, I said it ... what if Claire ends up loving our parents more than she loves us? By going back to work, will I truly become just a milk factory that comes home to feed, bathe, and put her to bed? Will she forget me and save her smiles for the people that will be with her most of her waking hours? Will I feel terrible for missing her "firsts" or will my experiencing it for the first time be enough to fulfill me?
I'm sure this is the guilt that every new mom goes through if she plans to return to work. I remember seeing an Oprah once where stay-at-home moms battled it out with working moms. A SAH-mom dared to say that she loved her children more than the W-mom did because she gave up her much-loved career for her family (the gall!) while the W-mom said that she had the guts to continue working so that her kids can have different opportunities and also so that she could have something for herself. Her whole family discovered that she was a better mom by working than trying to be something she's not. Most interesting was that both agreed the best-case scenario for both would be some type of part-time position either working from home or not.
It sounds silly, but I've never considered not working. Some people go through life knowing that they will be a Mom regardless of their career. Growing up, my mom worked because she had to and then because she wanted to. I saw that it was something she enjoyed, and my current job is something I enjoy as well. But now that I see how much Claire grows and changes every day, it tears at me to know that she'll continue down that growth and change whether I'm here or not. At least I know that she's in good hands with our parents, even though it will definitely be a "SERENITY NOW!" experience for me to have them live with us for the next 3 months.
So, 4 week countdown until I get to reinvent myself once again, and I have a feeling it will be rocky so beware. Full-time wife, mother, IT manager ... hoping to successfully balance professional duties, social activities, household chores ... needing to learn to carve out "Way-Way" time ... trying to still be independent, easy-going, and flexible ... knowing when and how to ask for help. I'll be a b****, a lover; a child, a mother; a sinner, a saint ... (you know the words) ... but I wouldn't want it any other way.
Claire @ 4 weeks
1 comment:
I am right there with you with the balancing everything and the guilt of going back to work. Just know that the smiles when you come home at night are that much sweeter and the bedtime stories while cuddling are special whether you have been at home all day long or at the office.
We will be going back to work at pretty much the same time, so if we need to meet up in the 'pumping room' and cry for a bit, just send me an IM! We will make it through and be stronger individual women for it!
Post a Comment