I did it, and I survived!

I did it ... after 2 months, 3 weeks, and 2 days, I spent an entire day away from Claire. I pretty much knocked my old record of 5 hours out of the water by being out of the house for almost 11 hours today sans baby!

James' parents will be Claire's primary caregivers the next 12 weeks before she goes to daycare (relieved by my parents for a week every 4-5 weeks), so they came in yesterday for today's "trial run" to make sure all parties involved felt comfortable with the arrangement.

Claire fed at about 6:15 this morning, and then I passed her on to James so that I could get ready for "work". James passed her to his parents about 6:30 since they were already up, and they were off! I left the house at 7am and filled my day with spa treatments (thanks, James!), furniture shopping, and a few small errands. I also managed to pump in my car and at the spa around the times that I hope to keep at the office which was good, as was the fact that I was able to pump effectively (whew!).

I have to admit, it was kind of nice being able to use two hands to do stuff and not have to tune one ear to listen for a crying baby, but it sure was nice to come home and see her smiling face. Since her grandparents already took her for two walks today and gave her a bath, I just held her, hugged her, and snuggled up with her to make up for the hours away. Now I totally understand why working moms often have their babies sleep with them, and I sincerely apologize to you all for any judgement I may have made in the past!

Being away from her was so hard, but I can say that I did it ... and I'll be able to do it again. Yay, me!

1 more day before I go back ...

Sleep Update (and a Kinda Cute Sleep Story)

To summarize: Claire's sleeping is going well. I still have the mattress tilted and the receiving blankets, but we aren't using the thermal blanket and sleep positioner anymore. Pacis come and go. She goes to bed about 8pm-ish, feeds 2 times during the night (either 10pm/2am or 12am/4am) for about 10min each, has one more feeding sometime between 5:30am and 7:00am, and then sleeps until 8-8:30am. Lately, after that last dawn feeding, I'll give into my desires and sleep with her on the foot of the chaise. I gotta tell you, that last 2-3 hours of sleep in the morning are the best hours I get all night! I just love falling asleep looking at her relaxed face, listening to her even breathing, and feeling her hand resting lightly on my arm (or neck or chest or wherever). They're also the hours I'll be giving up next week when I go back to work because my current plan is to go to work (or maybe even work out?) after that last feeding so that I can come home at a decent time in the afternoon to spend time with her.

So, my kinda cute story, Claire doesn't always want to be put down at 8pm even if she's tired ... meaning she fusses and flails. Usually I can pop in her plug (one of her various pacis that we're trying out), but I've discovered that if I've given her a bottle that day, she usually won't let me put a paci in her mouth after that -- angry about that crazy synthetic stuff, I guess. Tonight, since she wouldn't take a paci but also couldn't settle down, I took my breast pads from today (gross, I know, but until you're in the situation, you can't judge!), stuck them to a lovey that she got as a gift, and put the wrapped up package next to her. She immediately rolled from her back to her side and reached out her top arm to grasp the lovey ... and promptly fell asleep. It's now almost 3 hours later, and I just checked on her; she's still clutching the lovey. So cute! It was just like how she and I sleep in the mornings on the foot of the chaise. Made me want to pick her up and ... oh, wait, I guess that would defeat the purpose. It did make my heart swell though (and twist a little since I'll be giving up those early morning naps soon).

Our chaise. We sleep with our heads towards the bottom.

We've also been working on sleeping in the crib starting with naps so that I have the option of putting her there in the mornings after her last feeding. She's doing okay, but there's a long way to go. Before I even attempt to put her in there for the night, I have to get a new monitor because apparently the one I got (Summer Infant Video Monitor) that works great doesn't reach to our master bedroom because it's too far away. James thinks that's a great feature; me, not so much.

Oh, I joined a playgroup today. It's going to be about 10 babies from our neighborhood all born between August 2007 and August 2008. I have a feeling that I'm going to be the only working mom, but at least we're meeting at noon on Fridays so that I have a chance to go. Today, Claire was the youngest of the 5 babies at 3 months; the rest were 6-7 months old. It's amazing what a difference a few months make! More on that as it happens.

Recipe for Claire's Sleep

Claire has slept in her own bed almost a week now (exception noted at bottom), and here is my recipe for our success! I'm definitely posting this one with trepidation because I'm afraid saying it will make it not true anymore, but what the heck. :) Before this, we have been mostly co-sleeping on the chaise in our room, but I figured out some of the elements that Claire needed and built them into her custom bed that I realize is not kosher to the American Academy of Pediatrics but works for us. My plan is to slowly transition and take away elements, but it's hard to poo-poo at sleeping in my own bed instead of fitting in whatever space Claire leaves me on the chaise!

Claire @ 9:15am after going down at 5:30am! She awoke 15 min later.

PREP TIME 15 Min
EXECUTION 5 Min
SLEEP TIME 2-4 Hours

INGREDIENTS
1 Baby
1 Bassinet
1 Fleece blanket
2 Flannel receiving blankets (preferably gently used)
1 Thermal blanket
1 Sleep positioner with heartbeat
1 Pacifier
2 Used breast pads (gross, I know)
2 Warm adult hands

PREPARATION

1. Tilt bassinet pad at an angle by inserting a rolled-up fleece blanket under the length of the bassinet pad.
2. Fold one used flannel receiving blanket to desired size and tuck ends under bassinet pad
3. Take 2 used breast pads and roll up into other receiving blanket in the area of where they would be if co-sleeping. Tuck ends of blanket under bassinet pad.
4. Place heartbeat mechanism in sleep positioner around where the breast pads are (and where your heart would be if co-sleeping).
5. Optional: Lay thermal blanket over where baby will be (bottom 1/3) and tuck in 2 sides.
6. Place pacifier nearby just in case.

EXECUTION

1. Place baby -- either drowsy or already asleep -- in bassinet (in our case, on her side with bottom arm and leg extended so there is no chage of rolling on stomach)
2. Optional: Cover with thermal blanket and tuck in remaining side under rolled-up receiving blanket
3. Place warm adult hands on baby to reassure her of presence and then slowly remove one hand at a time and back away slowly
4. Baby will roll onto back at some point which is preferred and fine.
5. For fussing, cover baby with warm hands until settles again. Can try pacifier but you then assume responsibility of getting up every 10 minutes to replace in mouth. Better route is to wait until baby starts falling asleep and slowly pull pacifier out of mouth and place in the same designated place for easy access (you don't want to be fishing around the bassinet for that thing in the dark with a waking baby).
6. For feedings, feed, burp, and place back in bed per #1.

NOTES

1. Claire's a "snacker" and doesn't go more than 2 hours at a time without eating during the day and 4 hours at night (hence the 2-4 hours).
2. We had some issues last Thursday night (see "Claire sucks" posting) but after being cranky all day and evening Friday, she got a long car ride when I went to pick Debbie up from the airport at 10:30pm. After we got home at 11:30pm, we left her in her carrier figuring she would wake around 12:30am to feed ... surprise, surprise, she slept until 4:30am! I fed her put her in her bassinet, and all went well.

Claire sucks! (updated because I take it back!)

Claire took a bottle today like a champ! A medium flow nipple (thanks for the advice, Corrie!) plus her hunger resulted in a record bottle feeding! Woo-hoo! Slow-flow nipples, say goodbye!

The other item: thumbsucking. Claire's always been one to suck on her clenched fist. It's been one of the early cues we used to feed her before the hungry freak out (you know the one ... where you can't pull your boob out fast enough?), and this week she's also taken to sucking on her fist just when she wants to suck and the pacifier doesn't work. Today, though, I heard "suck, suck, suck, slurp, slurp, slurp". I look over my shoulder, and Claire had discovered her thumb with her mouth which resulted in a moment of "uh, oh -- thumb or paci? thumb or paci?! thumb or paci?!" and baby book literature running through my head. Luckily, she managed to gag herself with it first, so decision averted. But the question remains: thumb or paci? I've always heard you can take away the paci but not the thumb, but then it's me who gets up every 15-20 minutes at night to stick that thing back in. Hmmm ... another adventure unfolds.

UPDATE (10:00pm) -- James successfully put Claire down after the fabulous feeding at 8:00pm. She slept until 9:30pm when she awoke and didn't want anything but a boob to suck (which she had to test repeatedly to verify it was a real boob). Ah, well ... baby steps.

UPDATE (4:30am) -- Okay, so now *I* have nipple confusion. Claire is VERY angry at the pacifier, is mad at her own hand, and hardly trusts my boob right now. Not to mention cranky and unwilling to sleep in her bassinet. But I'm sticking to it ... medium flow nipples and trying the bassinet first it is! Maybe we'll skip a bottle today though and sleep cuddling instead. :D

I'm a b****, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother ...

T-minus-28 ... the countdown begins. 4 weeks from today, my 12-week maternity leave will be over, and I return to work. Eek!

Not working these past 8 weeks has been a very interesting experience for me. One of the biggest things is that I've come to realize how important it is for me to have a name to call my own. I need an identity -- whether I create it or it's assigned to me -- which somehow in turn gives me purpose and drive.

Before Feb 6, 2008, I was a full-time IT professional and wife easily balancing my personal life with professional duties, social activities, and household chores; I was independent, easy-going, and flexible in pretty much all aspects. After Claire arrived, I became a full-time Mom and wife balancing my personal life with household chores which keep me busy enough that I don't worry too much about the professional duties or have time for social activities. I'm hoping that I'll still be independent, easy-going, and flexible but realize that it may not be so with thing concerning this new life that is dependent on me.

Then, when our parents are here, I suddenly become a full-time bump-on-a-log with intermittent breaks to be a boob ... and when I feel like I have very little identity at all. While I should be relieved that I have people who want to cook, clean, and watch the baby for me, I wonder "if everyone is doing everything for me that's part of my 'role', what am I to do? ... Who am I now?". Looking back, I probably should have spent that time finding a hobby or something. :P It was just a foreign mixture of feelings that left me in a lot of turmoil.

Part of it, too, is just plain jealousy or selfishness. I feel like I want to make the most of every moment with Claire before my time is up; these moments are so short, and I already feel enough guilt about going back to work. I want her to remember these moments -- even though she won't --so that she knows I don't love her any less, and I want her to love me before she has a chance to love our parents who will be taking care of her the next 3 months.

There, I said it ... what if Claire ends up loving our parents more than she loves us? By going back to work, will I truly become just a milk factory that comes home to feed, bathe, and put her to bed? Will she forget me and save her smiles for the people that will be with her most of her waking hours? Will I feel terrible for missing her "firsts" or will my experiencing it for the first time be enough to fulfill me?

I'm sure this is the guilt that every new mom goes through if she plans to return to work. I remember seeing an Oprah once where stay-at-home moms battled it out with working moms. A SAH-mom dared to say that she loved her children more than the W-mom did because she gave up her much-loved career for her family (the gall!) while the W-mom said that she had the guts to continue working so that her kids can have different opportunities and also so that she could have something for herself. Her whole family discovered that she was a better mom by working than trying to be something she's not. Most interesting was that both agreed the best-case scenario for both would be some type of part-time position either working from home or not.

It sounds silly, but I've never considered not working. Some people go through life knowing that they will be a Mom regardless of their career. Growing up, my mom worked because she had to and then because she wanted to. I saw that it was something she enjoyed, and my current job is something I enjoy as well. But now that I see how much Claire grows and changes every day, it tears at me to know that she'll continue down that growth and change whether I'm here or not. At least I know that she's in good hands with our parents, even though it will definitely be a "SERENITY NOW!" experience for me to have them live with us for the next 3 months.

So, 4 week countdown until I get to reinvent myself once again, and I have a feeling it will be rocky so beware. Full-time wife, mother, IT manager ... hoping to successfully balance professional duties, social activities, household chores ... needing to learn to carve out "Way-Way" time ... trying to still be independent, easy-going, and flexible ... knowing when and how to ask for help. I'll be a b****, a lover; a child, a mother; a sinner, a saint ... (you know the words) ... but I wouldn't want it any other way.

Claire @ 4 weeks